head's a mess

A woman seeks the one who will hold her close, but give her room to breathe. The one who will offer help, but accepts how very strong she is on her own. The one who tells her she’s the best thing to ever happen, not only to them, but to this world. The one who listens as she speaks about things which can so easily class her as insane, but loves her even more for it all. The one who is real, but lives with her as if it were all a destructively beautiful lucid dream. A woman seeks truth and honesty. She seeks not only love, but companionship, camaraderie, support and understanding. A woman seeks the one who shares the fears, and fights with the same hope. The hope that maybe, just maybe, there is such a thing as forever.

I am scared for how things will go, down the road.

You see, it’s a terribly long way from here to where we’ve always imagined.

It twists and winds, with sharp bends,

And sharper branches to tear at you, on your way.

It will be painful, or so they say.

But they must be right;

Their words have been so far.

It can’t get any easier, really.

Just let me lay here, with you, for a moment.

Tomorrow, when I wake, and I’m looking at you;

That’s when I think I’ll find the courage.

In your eyes, that’s where I’ll stumble upon bravery.

Tucked into your arms, is where I’ve located safety.

I suppose it’s all just steps and falters, no easy way through.

We can’t finish this journey if we don’t start here;

Here where the wind blows north, and the stars shine softly.

Here, under the trees and beside the fires,

Where the memories of last night burn strong and passionately.

This is where we find solace, and this is where we’ll return,

Time after time, night after night.

If I’ve got you, baby you’ve got me.

And I’ve been told, it’s okay, to be afraid,

Of what’s down the road.

giving up never seemed so enticing.

There’s no simpler way to put it.
Everything you are is everything my mind tells me I need to survive. 
I hang off every word you say.
I over analyse every single syllable that leaves your lips,
That forms from your fingertips into typed words and texted phrases.
I fall at your feet and beg for mercy.
But still you do not understand it.
You think you have felt love?
You haven’t.
You think you know pain?
You don’t.
Not until you’ve felt like this.

Like you’ve been hit by ten thousand cars,
And cast aside as meaningless, worthless,
By the one you’d quite literally die for.
The one you want to curl up to on a Sunday afternoon,
And whisper sweet nothings to until the world stops turning.

And you see, that’s why I have to do this.
I can’t go on like this anymore,
It is killing me. 

So I prayed and I cried and I promised myself.
That I would let you go.
Even if I have to fight these feelings,
Every second of every day,
For the rest of my life. 

That’s it though, isn’t it?
We all reach that stage, with that one person.
Often it’s the person you expect, but sometimes, it’s not.
Sometimes it’s the absolutely worst person it could ever be,
It’s the person who makes you cry, not smile.
It’s the person who makes you want to scream of frustration,
You just can’t figure them out.
One second they want you, and the next they’ve gone somewhere
And you just don’t know how to find them again.
But you fall.
And you fall hard.
Really really fucking hard.
You don’t know anything, just that you need them.
You need their scent on your skin,
You need their arms around yours.
You need them to tell you, night and night again,
That they care, that they love you.
Because it’s so easy to forget,
It’s so easy to doubt.
Nothing stays still long enough to seem true.
What if it’s all just a dream,
What if you wake up and nothing’s real.
Or worse. What if it is real,
But only to you.
Your reality isn’t everyone else’s.
You’re seeing everything differently to every other person around you.
You’re a mess. You’re a broken, tangled mess.

How could anyone want that?
How could they want that.
Still, you sit, and you wait, and you hope and you dream and you pray
That maybe, just maybe, one day,
They’ll tell you, without a doubt.

That you’re it.
You’re the one they loved all along.
They spun tales of mystery about others because they were so crazy for you,
They just couldn’t bare to find out you didn’t feel the same way.
That it was easier to shut everyone out, and pretend they weren’t feeling what they were.

And then you’ll live happily ever after, right?


No.
That’s not it.
Nothing’s ever that simple.

 

Her lips trembled with the memory of yesterday, ears still ringing with his velvet voice, as if he were still breathing.

“I’ll love you, forever you know. Even when the world crashes down and death and chaos are the only tins of silver paint the men in the clouds have left. When there’s no one left to whisper sweetness to you - if everything else hurts, if our lives are damaged beyond repair, remember,”
He paused, brushing her cheek with his finger, so very daintily, as if she’d burn at his touch,
“Remember that I will still love you”.

All those words now hung in the air like sharp-edged fragments. Glass, almost; falling like ashes on the blood-stained carpet.
He had been good for her. He kept her together, for a short while, when nothing else could. Nothing good stays though.
 
Everyone knows that.

Timidly, she approached his pale body where it lay, his face so peaceful in rest.
She closed her eyes and pictured his frame rising up and down, gracefully.
He always did remind her of the angels.
As if his wings could unravel at any moment, and he’d take her far from here.
Far away from all these nightmares, that racked her mind, and left her so frail.

A folded piece of paper was tucked safely in his clenched fist, and as she reached down, her own hand shaking as she moved his cold fingers to pull it out, an involuntary whimper left her mouth.

It tasted bitter, of forgotten promises, and wasted nights.
Was it really all worth it? 
Worth this?
What would he say now, if only he knew what has become of him.

She held her breath as she opened the small piece of tea-stained notepaper, her fingertips tracing the sullen words.
“Still”. 

She lifted her head as she heard the speaker blare out the message of incoming train after incoming train. She wasn’t really sure why she reacted the way that she did each time. That little buzz of static, followed by a fairly bored voice which listed the platform, route, and where it was headed next. It always sparked her attention some how. She’d heard it all a million times, and in fact was trying to focus in on her music, but even with the Ipod headphones placed firmly in her ears, she could still make out that worker, doing their job, as workers tend to do.

Whispers reached her ears from a non-existent location, weightlessly passing through one ear and out the next. They left behind soft fragments, fracturing her mind ever so daintily, and carrying the pieces with them as they flew on. They hurt her, they really did. The way they  so effortlessly broke down her walls and reminded her just what it was she was trying to out run. I mean come on, everyone knows you can’t run away from your problems, issues and pains forever, but that doesn’t mean they’re ever really welcome back.

Finally, her train rolled in. The breaks begun to squeak as the mechanical beast started it’s well-rehearsed job of pulling to a halt, nicely and neatly along-side the waiting bay.
That’s when the thought really hit her. Well, not even ‘really hit her’. It full on attacked her, like a punch in the gut, or a hard knock to the cheekbone. She had never even considered it before, not as a reality, just a fleeting ponder.

Jump.

 To Be Continued.

Read More

faceless bodies, meaningless jigsaws.
moving piece by tireless piece through their lives.
pile on, load up, let the beast carry you through.

i’d love to know their stories.
who knows what and where they’ve been
and who’s hurt them and who they’ve hurt;

who owns their hearts.

no space to breathe but we’re still standing tall.
if we falter here, we’ll never get back up.

i know that, they know that, but still i slip down, down.
i need a hand, from this bustling crowd
to pause, for a second.

offer me solace, and peace.
give me security, give me truth.

this machine has never been so busy
and even so, we’ve nothing to do;

yet no one helps 

timidly tracing boney wrists and exploring the warmth in company, her fingertips searched longingly for his, now intertwining softly, each curve falling into their perfectly balanced place. it’s as if this was meant to happen all along, their contours fitting so perfectly. it was a still peace in this mangled society that was bustling with broken people. nothing more, nothing less. a safety in someone other than herself.